contradiction

2003-06-21T16:59:00.000-04:00

Going out tonight with some friends but it is turning in to being a group of people I don't really know but thats cool. I don't want to spend the night but if I drink I have to but since all we have as of right now is beer then I won't be drinking. Everything is a mess

2003-06-01T20:58:00.000-04:00

Sunday 6.1.03
Wow, I realize that it has been a really long time since I have been here. I was away at college and since I got back a few weeks ago I have been dealing with a lot of things. I have been going to school, I have started to put my lyrics to music (that has been a big learning process) and lots of things have been happening. I am still dealing with my eating disorder, everything going on in my family and whatever my future will hold, I have a lot of decisions to make and I am doing my best. I've got three weeks until I am done with school, this means three weeks to find a way to get the guy in my religion class to talk to me...there is always a way. I've less and 6 weeks until I hopefully get to talk to Jamal again and I have no time to find a job because I desperatly need money immediately.
I have been trying desperatly to find scholarships and um...there are none, I am not a goat raiser, I am not an inventor, I have no disablities and...um...I need a scholarship!! I am still posting songs but not today...I really wish that I could work on putting music to it, but I have this thing about absolutely NO ONE knowing what I am doing. I have been writing for 3 years and not one person I know knows about it....I guess you have to do what you have to do

2003-01-12T23:38:00.000-05:00

Sunday, 1.12.02
Another song...

'I tell myself'

My sensitivity is what hurts me
cause your words hit so hard
I cry but you deny
you force my heart cold and callous
you may apologize
but you won't change
won't even try to tell me you will

I tell myself to be strong
I tell myself your wrong
I tell myself to tell you
that you know its true
I tell myself this is goodbye
but when I see you, I deny

one confrontation down
a lives worth more to anticipate
I cry but you deny
this is just a repeating cycle
to echo over and over in my ears
only waiting for the anger to arise again
to never end

I tell myself to be strong
I tell myself your wrong
I tell myself to tell you
that you know its true
I tell myself this is goodbye
but when I see you, I deny

I tell myself...

2003-01-12T00:26:00.000-05:00

Sunday 1.12.03
"So Much Time Is wasted By Trying To Be Better Than Others"-Elijah Wood
Just found out I am getting a new roomate when I get back to college. For some reason this has me completly freaked out. I really enjoy being on my own and I know this girl is a party animal which is not exactly me. I am just feeling nervous about it.
Today I saw 'CHICAGO' I loved it! I love musicals and this was a great one. Tomorrow I am going to go buy the soundtrack. I can't wait! All....That....JAZZZZ! can't get that out of my head. I think I could do Broadway! I have been scouring all of FL for the ELijah Wood 2003 calendar but I swear it doesn't exist...anywhere and I am going crazy looking for it. I am also searching for any magazines with him but can't find any of those either.

'Control'
2.10.02

I just can't stop crying

people don't understand my insecurities
and I don't understand myself
I want to be someone I'm not
and I work so hard to be her

I've wasted so much of my time
so much energy and emotion
trying to control myself but
I always come back to what I really am

nobody else sees
but each day is such a struggle for me
they just breeze right through it all
but I'm sad
and I can't stop crying

I control the outside
in a desperate attempt
for control of the inside
but the truth is
I don't have control of anything

somdays the pain is just so intense
and I just don't want to get out of bed
somedays I just don't want to talk to anybody
and I don't want to make up lies

I know I can't go on pretending
that I'm happy and not afraid
because I'm so afraid of everything
afraid of people finding out and my life changing

nobody else sees
but each day is such a struggle for me
they just breeze right through it all
but I'm sad
and I can't stop crying

I control the outside
in a desperate attempt
for control of the inside
but the truth is
I don't have control of anything
I control the outside
in a desperate attempt
for control of the inside
but the truth is
I don't have control of anything

nobody else sees
but each day is such a struggle for me
they just breeze right through it all
but I'm sad and I just can't stop crying

2003-01-11T00:20:00.000-05:00

Saturday 01.11.03
"Dream the impossible, because dreams do come true"-Elijah Wood(future husband #1)
hola mis ninos. Today I was stuck at home without a car. I started cleaning and actually did some reading...

2003-01-10T00:37:00.000-05:00

Friday 01.10.03
"never underestimate the power of denial" - American Beauty
hmmm.....I am exhausted today. Woke up early (10am), got ready, went to luch with my neighbor, went to the bookstore, visited my sick friend for 3 hours, came home and have been eating all day. last night I stayed up til 4:30 watching Amelie, omg, I adore this movie, everyone must see it now! So good! I have been trying to finish THe Lovely Bones but I can't enjoy it. Everyone else seems to like it but I must be missing something. Anyway, I am not excited to go to school in 3 days....please help me....

2003-01-08T23:08:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, Jan 08,03
"Always Be Happy, Never Be Satisfied"-Aston Kutcher
Going back to college on Monday is going to suck! I want to go on a diet when I get there to help balance me. I had wanted to do a fast but never got around to it unfortunately. I am just hoping I can drop a couple pounds before my birthday in February.
New Years Resolutions :
1) get my GPA up to a 3.5
2) be able to do the splits-I am so close
3) be down to 120 lbs
That is it for now.
Tomorrow I have to go to lunch with my neighbor Lisa who I have lived across the street from for 10yrs and never talked to until we both went off to college. It should be interesting what we end up making converstation about.
Okay...can I please marry Elijah Wood (jah jah). I had the nicest dream about him last night. If only....he's just so pretty...hmmmm.....I was at Blockbuster last night and I got a free rental of any non-new release and what did I see 'bumbleebee...somthing I don't know what but it was an Elijah movie, I was so going to rent it but it wasn't there. Poor me! I don't know why I am so obsessed suddenly, its crazy...
does anyone actually read this shit?
4th song :

I don't know
12.5.02
Everythings not okay
Becasue the first time was the only time
and now its repetative
and I can't believe it won't happen again
and after everything
after a week of not speaking
you look at me, you talk to me the exact same.
and there has just been a gap of nothing

I feel like I'm so lost
I don't know where I stand with you
Do I even want to know you?
I don't know whats meant from whats just said
I don't know if I'm just being pushed around for the hell of it

you're so hurt
you're so astonished
by what she did to you
but you haven't done much better to me
so figure out why I'm frustrated
figure out why I'm not so sure about you

I feel like I'm so lost
I don't know where I stand with you
Do I even want to know you?
I don't know whats meant from whats just said
I don't know if I'm just being pushed around for the hell of it

and right when I thought the games were over
you started again
I need to know the truth
All these myteries are getting us no where

I feel like I'm so lost
I don't know where I stand with you
Do I even want to know you?
I don't know whats meant from whats just said
I don't know if I'm just being pushed around for the hell of it

2003-01-08T01:23:00.000-05:00

I have spent some time today trying to get this to look the way I want it and it is so close to being there that I give up. I think it looks good enough. Today I bought the Jay-z blueprint cd. So H.O.T! I also got my Billie Holiday cd, I love it! Tomorrow I am going to visit one of my best friends who had her wisdom teeth taken out today...awww....that was a painful experience for me.
I want to submit some of my songs, I have been looking up contests but they all charge and I really don't want to waste my money, please let me know what songs I should submit if I actually find a good place to submit my songs. Plus, if you can tell me how to fix the html of this sit that would also be helpful, I want the two tables side by side but cannot figure it out yet. There is a link to e-mail, but let me know in the subject what it is about otherwise I will delete as porn...
I have not yet gotten a calendar for the new year so I spent the day searching for either a Paris calendar or a Elijah Wood calendar but have been unable to find either. Depressing.

3rd song...

Okay
12.5.02

I'm so not okay
and everyday I'm dealing
and somedays I'm escaping
but atleast I'm still living

I promise myself I won't five up
and at some point I will be happy
I will be okay with me
I will be beautiful to me

I want to say good-bye to everything keeping me here
I need to let go of everything I know
You have to be willing to do anything for the change
and give up all control

I promise myself I won't five up
and at some point I will be happy
I will be okay with me
I will be beautiful to me

but it takes time
it takes getting to your lowest
it takes feeling hopeless
to finally take the turn
to finally see the real change

I promise myself I won't five up
and at some point I will be happy
I will be okay with me
I will be beautiful to me

I won't give up
I'll be happy someday
I'll be okay

2003-01-07T11:53:00.000-05:00

What Orlando Bloom are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-07T01:37:00.000-05:00

Same thing that makes you laught makes you cry - Comic View

cute cute cute, according to I die of cancer, I believe this to be another sign that I definetly will die of cancer. This is the third sign. I am a paranoid fool as I said b4 but three reasons. The quiz is a stupid one but still counts. I may be going to the doctor sometime soon.

'Only Thing'
12.5.02

Life's so hard by itself
but when your by yourself it can be unbearable
I'm so far behind
I've missed out on so much love
what did I do wrong to get here and
what do I do to get where I want to be (in someone's arms)

I don't want to feel so empty
I don't want to be so lonely
I can't be another night all by myself
I can't wait for the only thing I've ever wanted

There's things I can't wait for anymore
and I can't bear to be alone any longer
I feel as though I have no one to understand
no on to talk to
no one to be with

I don't want to feel so empty
I don't want to be so lonely
I can't be another night all by myself
I can't wait for the only thing I've ever wanted

I can't go on by myself
I can't go on all alone
I need someone else to feel what's inside of me
and I need someone else to want me

I don't want to feel so empty
I don't want to be so lonely
I can't be another night all by myself
I can't wait for the only thing I've ever wanted

I don't want to feel so empty
I don't want to be so lonely
I can't be another night all by myself
I can't wait for the only thing I've ever wanted

Its so hard by yourself
I don't want to feel empty

I need someone to feel

2003-01-06T16:11:00.000-05:00

My new obsession is : ELIJAH WOOD!! I truely love that kid. If we didn't live on opposite sides of the country I actually think we would be perfect together. Hehe, plus I think he is beautiful. I watch LOTR all the time and dragged one of my friends to see TTT with me. Amazing is all I have to say. I just love those movies. Anyway, lately all I have been doing is searching for sites on the net about him and watching LOTR over and over again. hmmm....

2003-01-06T01:29:00.000-05:00

One of my hobbies is writing songs so I am going to post some of them here. I also post them on Kiwibox.com in my journal. I write about situations I have been through and it is mostly something I do as therapy.
This is called 'Please', I wrote it on 12/9/02

Some days it gets so hard
and you have to tear something down to get through it
bu please
don't let it be me

please stop
please make yourself say no
please stop
you know you'll regret this in the morning

and you know how great the good days can feel
so why won't you remember them on the bad ones
bu plese
remember me on those days

please stop
please make yourself say no
please stop
you know you'll regret this in the morning

oh,oh,oh,oh
and I understand, give it up, just let go of all of this, Its the only way. Don't let yourself struggle any longer

oh,oh,oh,oh

and if you can't stop for you
please, please stop for me
because I can't survive anymore of this
I can't cry anymore songs and deal with my pain
you need to deal with yours

please stop
please make yourself say no
please stop
you know you'll regret this in the morning

please don't hurt me anymore
please don't sugarcoat yourself

oh,oh,oh...

please stop.., please

2003-01-06T01:15:00.000-05:00

Hola! Okay...this is my first posting so I will just be doing a small introduction into the life of me...
The Basics : my name is Ashley, I am 18 and attend Emory University. Me : writing music, elijah wood, art (photography, drawing, and painting), reading, , Alias, foreign languages (Spanish and Italian and more in the future), history, politics, dance, dance team, book club, studying, Lord of The Rings, coffee, shoes, traveling, perfume, fake kate spade, aquarius, pink stars nail polish, john mayer : 'my stupid mouth, why georgia, neon', paris, True Life, Club Southbeach, Siesta Key, Blackstone wine, hopeless romantic, reruns of felicity, and that is all for now

Interesting thing about my mom, she suffers from OCD, she is a cumplusive clean freak and she came back into town today which meant I spent the day attempting to bring the house up to her standards. I didn't wake up until 1:30 so that didn't leave me much time but I think it was okay.
Through self diagnosed myself to have raynaud's disease. Yes, I am a paranoid fool but I truely think I have this one. I had a 'little' episode last night that freaked me out with my toes turning white and blue. I guess it isn't the worst disease but I am now paranoid about even taking my socks off. I will most likely forget about this in a week anyway.

time : 1:01am
watching : felicity
listening : felicity
eating : nothing
wearing : pjs